“It is my story, it may be your story, it is the story of some of my friends, and strangers I have yet to know. An undeniable and powerful common thread throughout history for women is the ability to become a mother. The journey to motherhood is where our differences begin, honoring and respecting each other, as we etch our unique story into our lives.” -Amy Green
There are certain things that women don’t often like to talk about… We (women) love to document wonderful moments in life and talk about them and radiate our happiness to the world… But what about the moments when things aren’t so great? What about the the times when your world is shaken and turned upside down?
Today, ladies (because this blog post is for you), we are getting personal! So grab your coziest blanket and pour yourself a glass of your favorite wine or beverage (if you’re pregnant)- because we are going to talk about love and overcoming loss.
Back in October, Joey and I announced we were expecting our first child in May 2018. We were ecstatic, to say the least. We felt so much love, excitement and unparalleled joy during those first couple of months when we knew we were going to be parents.
Finally! After nearly 10 years of being together and into our first year of marriage, we knew we were ready to be parents, and though we had not been obsessively trying like some do, we left it to God to give us a child when the timing was right. So, we left it up to chance after we got married.
To be honest, I didn’t think it would take so long to happen. I always imagined I would get pregnant the moment we decided to try. It was a little bit discouraging when a few months go by and before you know it, almost a year, and nothing really happens. I’ll be perfectly honest, I was recklessly spending money buying pregnancy tests every month, only to be let down by the ‘NOT PREGNANT’ words flashing right at you from the digital test. You begin to question yourself… Is there something wrong with me? What if I can’t get pregnant? And you start to torment yourself and your mind, and that in itself, won’t help you get pregnant at all. You need to rid yourself of these negative thoughts because believe or not, they affect you, and in turn, affect the process.
So, yes, September came and we found out we were pregnant. Fast-forward to 11 weeks later (late October, shortly after my 30th birthday) where I come to find out, while sitting in a cold room waiting for an ultrasound, that I had a “missed” miscarriage. Why missed, you might ask? My body still thought I was pregnant and never bled on its own, in a nutshell. It was devastating, shocking and absolutely heartbreaking. It was quite a lengthy, costly and frustrating process that followed after that, but we made it through stronger and more hopeful than ever before. Through this process, I learned that pregnancy is actually very difficult to achieve and 1 in 4 women miscarry during their first trimester.
Though I hated to be part of that statistic, I trust that my body made the right choice for us. The body is a wise vessel and I’m happy to know it’s got my back and it can recognize when something isn’t right. I’m grateful for my body and for making decisions I have no control over. I know in my heart we will have our beautiful, healthy growing family in due time. Everything great and wonderful takes its time.
2017 was a year of growth and self-revelation, I’d say. It had great moments and also times where I truly felt I was in a bad dream and kept telling myself, “wake up, it’s just a nightmare”, when it wasn’t. It was REAL… It was RAW.
In 2017, I learned that I have zero control over certain things, no matter how hard I can try to avoid them. I learned that success without failure is almost inevitable… and I learned that happiness, sometimes, comes with a price.
From my experiences, I take with me a side I didn’t get to know of myself before. I feel more humble, at peace and closer to God and my husband through it all. I appreciate what I have and what is yet to come because I know the road that has lead me there has not been easy or sunny all the time. I feel encouraged, because I know now the strength I carry in me and the incredible husband that stood by me shining so bright when I was in a dark place. I am eternally grateful for him, always, because I am stronger with him by my side.
2017 was a year of reflection. Lots of it. I reflected on many things, including those that no longer felt needed in my life. I learned it was okay to drift away from things and people that were only anchoring me down. I realized that everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, heals with time and we all move on from it. I learned to let go. Let go of what no longer made me happy. Let go of people who only carried grey skies above them when all I wanted was sunshine. Let go of material things that I no longer needed in my life. I simplified in every way and I ACCEPTED it was okay to “clean house” (as they say).
In 2017, I celebrated my first year living with Joey in our first home. We celebrated 9 years together and our first year of marriage. We welcomed many new babies into our group of friends and also our baby niece, Lily, into the family. In 2017, Joey kicked off his new business venture, Cypress Group Miami and became an entrepreneur. I am so deeply proud of him and his accomplishments, personally and professionally.
All in all, I learned that in order to move on and continue to grow, you must let go of all the things that keep holding you down- may it be physically, emotionally or mentally. Like Idina Menzel sings in Frozen, “Let it go!” Separate yourself from anything and everything that you feel no longer enrich your life; things that don’t bring you joy and people who steal your light and energy.
In 2017, my word was GROWTH. This year, my word is RYTHMN, as I will be getting into the groove of this new life I have spent the last year reflecting on. Of course, by “new life”, I don’t mean everything changes… But there are important aspects of my routine & my surroundings that will differ from my past. It’s amazing what a difference some reflection, journaling and a little soul-searching can make!
So, my dearest 2018, I have big, BIG, plans for you. And for myself.